At this moment in my life, all I want is a cigarette. Hang on a second. I'm gonna take this note writing outside and light one now.
.............
There. Now that I'm smoking, hello, Facebook! What's new witcha?
For 18 years or so, my life was slowly built on a foundation that I had no control over. Many people say that life is what you make it, but I have to argue that this is only partially true. My life wasn't what I made it at all when I was little. It was carefully and meticulously crafted and controlled by people who had more power than I. I realized this early on, and I hated it roughly from day one. But when I was allowed to fly from the nest I took the opportunity to absorb the world around me and analyze it. I made a couple of decisions that would inadvertently change things forever. One of those was my decision to reject the cult-like mindset of the household I grew up in, and instead to think for myself. Well, like with everything in life, there were consequences for that decision. Was I prepared for them? Hell no. I wasn't. I can't say that I didn't have any idea what would happen . . . . but I also chose to have faith in some ideals that are unfortunately not always reality, such as family and love. Boom! That foundation, so carefully built upon years of lies and half-truths and fear and control, crumbled. And I fell hard.
But I got back up. I spent months in despair and even regret. But I also believed in something greater than being a slave to the wishes of others. And eventually I rebuilt my little house with this new set of cards I had been dealt suddenly. My goal in life changed from making everyone else happy to making just one other person happy. And I made the mistake of rebuilding my foundation on that person. Boom! One day that shattered too. I sat there in my apartment after work every day and hated the doctor that handed me to my mother when I was born, and the bus that only almost hit me when I had my Honda. How ungrateful of me; but if you've ever been at the bottom, you know what I mean.
Then I focused on what was left. My job. My weed. My music. I got lucky and made some new friends, mostly from work and weed and music, go figure. Some of those friends are still friends . . . . some stabbed me in the back. I started doing things that I had never done. I even started doing things I said I never would. But in the meantime, life was getting hard as fuck. Money was getting tight, and despite my best efforts, everything that I tried to build and maintain was failing miserably. People who cared, and people who didn't, started to pity me. And I hated that. I hate being pitied. It makes me feel guilty. So I started being distant. I'm still that way, more now than ever. I don't confide as much as I used to. To cope, I started doing things that people call "dumb". Who the fuck is anyone to judge me? You don't know what I go through inside my head and in my day to day life. Of course, there are those who feel the need to give me the Good News that He loves me and that everything will be okay. But we all know that it's not really as simple as that. Knowing that you'll go to heaven doesn't mean a thing when you can't pay the rent and fridge is empty. And knowing that people would rather judge than help. . . . . knowing that getting ahead at your job means sacrificing both honesty and respect for yourself. . . . . . knowing that starting over at this point is a process that will take years, not months or weeks . . . . . and knowing that no matter how true any friend is today, tomorrow's circumstances can convince them to kill you next week . . . . yea. Comfort in religion? Been there, done that. The same people that taught me to pray also taught me what hypocrisy is.
Recession+( Bad luck/Bad planning)=Eviction and Lost Job
I can look back over all the above and think about everything that I could have done different, or done better. There are a lot of things that I could have prevented. But I like to go back to the beginnings and the roots of things. And the first thing that comes to my mind is that I would have done a lot of things differently if it were not for the faith I have always had in other people, and the determination in my mind to make everyone else happy with me. I come from a background that is as bizarre to most people as soap is to Oscar the Grouch. And no one ever wrote me a guide for what to do if I had to go it alone, without family. My guess was to make friends, love everyone unconditionally, bust my ass for my money and my loved ones and be generous no matter what.
You really think I'm gonna change that? Bitch, please.
To let the evil of the world around me change who I am would be to fail. I want to be a blessing to every person that I ever meet. Yes, you just heard an atheist say that. I don't believe in a God that runs everything and expects us to worship him. But I do believe in a world that, flawed as it may be, works only as well as the people in it. And people being good to people . . . . well, that's as good as it's gonna get for any of us. Make no mistake, I see this world slowly but surely destroying itself. But I'm gonna do my best to be happy as I can be, and even if I'm not happy, I'm gonna try to put a smile on someone else's face, at least.
It's cold outside. I'm taking this back in.
...............
So then, it's November 18, 2010. I am twenty-two years old. And I honestly have no clue where I am going in my life. It's not the first time. But this time, I see an opportunity. I'm done with looking behind me and wishing things had been different. I don't like lemons, but I fucking love lemonade. There are people who think that I'm crazy, that I'm fuck up, that I'm worthless. Who knows? They're probably right. But I know that whatever my life ends up, I'm going to make the very best of it. And I'm not gonna let the bad times change my heart. I've still got room in there for people. But most of all, I've got room for me. There are things that I want in life. And I don't know about you, but I have had that sobering moment of clarity when I realized that most of the things that I want the most in life are never, ever going to happen. It's ok. I'm not going to sit and not try. I'll do my best while I can still do anything at all. I'm gonna live my life by the beat of the music, man. Enjoy as many of these short moments as I can. Because I don't know what's gonna happen next. I know that I owe it all to every person that has touched my life, good or bad, because thanks to them I've learned much and become stronger, kinder, hopefully wiser. And the best part of this life thing is that as long as you're still breathing, anything can happen.
Something happened this morning . . . . . it made me realize that not knowing what's next is the beauty of it all . . . . . .and being happy right now is the reason for it all. It's how we're made. They tell us that we're here on accident . . . others say we're made to glorify God . . . . . but whenever I hear someone ask, "Why are we here?" I always think "Why not?" I mean, you're here. Enjoy it.
peace
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